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Archive for September, 2011

Bit of a disclaimer is warranted, I believe.

The wind beneath my wings and myself have been immersed in a complete kitchen renovation project for the better part of … oh … 15 years now.

And after a decade and a half of discussion, the actual work began a couple of months ago, when the talking became planning, and then purchasing, followed by the scheduling of deliveries, the installation of the hard parts by trained professionals, and the undertaking (appropriate word, right there) of the easier stuff by we watchers of cable TV home improvement shows who, thanks to the magic of television, have learned everything we need to know when it comes to complete kitchen renovation because we know how to sit on our ample derrieres and yell every time a house hunter complains about wall color. (“Paint It, You Moron” should be the name of a show on HGTV.)

On a serious note: I have delayed discussion of this topic out of respect for the families who have lost so much in the recent flooding. Sitting here making jokes about voluntarily renovating a kitchen seemed (and, to some, may still seem, for that matter) out of place while so many among us have been forced into a much more dire situation through no fault of their own. Karen and I had been planning this work for years and its timing couldn’t have been more unfortunate, in this regard. The hope here today is that those who have suffered great loss have been able to set themselves on a course of recovery and that they understand the intent is not to make light of their situation. The intent here, more often than not, is to ridicule the institution of marriage. Well, mine, anyway. Also, chores. And my husbandly abilities.

So, on a less serious note, with apologies to Dire Straits (and lyricists in general):

 

 

Now look at them homeowners — 

That’s the way you do it;

It looks so easy on HGTV.

That ain’t work, no; that’s the way they sell it.

I say: Honey, it’s nuthin’; I’ll do this for free.

Ain’t hard work? (Yeah.) That’s the way they tell it.

Lemme tell ya, them guys are dumb.

Wanna see the blisters on … all my fingers?

Dropped a box of tile on my thumb.

 •

I’ve never installed a microwave oven.

Custom kitchen — deliver me-e-e-e.

Still got to move the refrigerator.

Thanks very much, HGTV-e-e-e.

(Move-a; move-a.)

The chubby hubby with the muffin top and D-cup

(Yeah, buddy, that’s his mans-iere);

The chubby hubby can’t hang up a pic frame,

And now he’s s’posed to plumb a Frigidaire?

 •

Still trying to hang the microwave oven. 

Custom kitchen, I’m hating thee-e-e-e.

Book says I must first … hang up a template;

Drill holes through A, B, C and D-e-e-e.

(Drill-a; drill-a.)

I’ve grown to loathe this microwave oven;

Instructions making … no sense to me-e-e-e.

I’m scared to move that refrigerator — 

Afraid I’ll catch a her-ny-e-e-e.

(Ooo-a; ooo-a.)

 •

Now looky here; looky here:

I should-a learned to play the possum;

Just admit … I’m way too dumb.

Look at that mama/she nailed it/on the TV camera:

Man. She makes it look so fun.

But who’s out there? What’s that?

My crying noises. They echo through the kitchen: Please deliver me.

But that ain’t nuthin’; I am quite used to it.

You say: Honey, it’s nuthin’? Please don’t lie to me.

 •

About to toss this microwave oven

Through the wall of/your pant-ery-y-y-y.

And you can take that refrigerator

And stuff it where you cannot see-e-e-e-e.

 •

Now listen here:

Look at this yo-yo; no clue how to do it.

I can’t learn nuthin’ from HGTV.

Now this ain’t workin’; ain’t no way around it.

Honey, it’s nuthin’? I must disagree.

 •

OK, you win, you microwave oven.

Proved you can get the best of me-e-e-e.

Oh wait a second; this book’s in Spanish.

For English, see Page 23-e-e-e-e?

(Dumb-a; dumb-a.)

OK, honey, it’s nuthin’ … Wrong page, you see?

Honey, it’s nuthin’ … don’t dee-vorce me.

Can’t watch my …

Can’t watch my …

Can’t watch HGTV.

I said, honey it’s nuthin’ … I did paint, you see?

I’ll watch my …

I’ll watch my … 

I’ll watch HGTV. … 

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